Unseen Warriors: The Journey of Supporting a Chronically Ill Loved One

Who Are the Unseen Warriors

Behind every person battling a chronic illness, there is often someone standing quietly in the shadows - an unseen warrior whose life is deeply impacted in ways rarely acknowledged. These warriors come in many forms: a young child helping a parent or friend through daily pain and unpredictability, an adult child managing medications and appointments for an aging parent with dementia, or a devoted spouse who becomes both partner and caregiver during a loved one’s fight with cancer. They rearrange schedules, miss social events, give up personal goals, and carry emotional loads far heavier than most can imagine.

In this blog, we’ll explore the complex, emotional, and often invisible journey of these supporters - what they face, what they need, and how they can navigate the balance between caring for their loved one and caring for themselves. We'll also offer guidance on how both the supporter and the chronically ill individual can better understand, communicate, and support one another to build stronger, more compassionate relationships.

Dive Into the Minds of Unseen Warriors 

I took the time to talk to 9 different unseen warriors who all support a chronically ill loved one. We will dive into their minds in an attempt to discover and understand their biggest challenges and what their needs are. Having a chronic illness can be all-consuming, often pulling focus away from everything else, including everyone else. However, we must take a step back and see ourselves from a different point of view in order to foster strong, balanced relationships with those we love. We asked them two questions:

Q1: What is the most difficult thing about supporting someone you love with a chronic illness?

The most common answer by far was ‘watching them suffer and decline’. A man who supports his wife said, "There are moments I wish I could trade places or even just take a piece of pain and burden away, but I can't. That helplessness eat at you, piece by piece." For all of us, watching someone we care about suffer, especially over a long period of time, takes an emotional toll above and beyond everything else. Supporters of a chronically ill loved one must endure this hardship. While those that endure this experience daily don’t need research to validate what they feel, research suggests that watching someone else suffer can activate similar areas in the brain and cause comparable levels of stress. We cannot compare the suffering of the person who is sick to the person who is watching them suffer. Both are suffering, just in different ways. What we want to do here, is recognize the suffering of the unseen heroes as unique.

The second most difficult thing was reported as ‘that feeling of helplessness’. Not only does the supporter endure having to watch someone they love suffer and/or decline, but this challenge is compounded by a feeling of impotence. Many people try to help in any way they can, just grasping for a way to feel useful or helpful. The weight of this challenge depends on the personalities involved and the type of chronic illness. 

One thing that stood out to me as I was reviewing everyone’s responses, was how some varied depending on the role of the unseen hero. For example, a parent supporting a child already has that innate need to protect them. A mom said, “It hurts me that I can’t make this better for my daughters. I even blame myself since we don’t really know why this is happening”. The mom is retired and her daughters are middle-aged and both ill. It seemed like the age or phase of life of those in the relationship affected how they processed their challenges.

A middle-aged woman who has supported her husband for several years opened up about her internal struggle to try not to be selfish. She talked about grieving not only the loss of her husband’s health but the death of what they could have been as a couple, the life they dreamed about living and the people they dreamed about being as individuals. All of that has changed and she expressed feeling helpless about the stagnancy of her own life as well as not being able to improve her husband’s health. She stated, “My needs get put on the back burner most of the time.” I loved that she was brave enough to share this with me. I imagine many unseen heroes feel this way, especially if they were younger when this role was thrust upon them, but don't have the confidence to even admit it to themselves. Many people can feel guilty for even thinking about their own losses and pain simply because they know how much the person they love is suffering, but their feelings are absolutely valid and it is healthy to be respectfully honest with the ones we love.

I spoke with a school-aged child whose mom is chronically ill and has been since he can remember. When I asked him this question, he had an incredulous look on his face and said, "Well, there’s a lot of things!” This made me laugh at the beautiful honesty that only kids can display. What it came down to though, was that his mom can’t play for very long because she gets tired easily and he would like to spend more time with her playing. Then, he went on to shrug it off, saying it wasn’t too big a deal though because he’s used to it and he didn’t want to see her not feeling well.

Kids are a miracle aren’t they? Their youth and innocence gives them the gift of fluid adaptation. They adjust to change much more easily than us adults do. The fact that his situation has become normal for him though, doesn’t negate the fact that it is a struggle for him or that it affects him emotionally. 

Another woman I interviewed took care of her mother and expressed frustration in the journey of trying to advocate in favor of her and what she knew to be her mom’s wishes, but against what the medical system thought was best. She endured a daily battle of wanting to support her mom and allow for her independence while enduring the criticism of medical staff. Most of us are not medical experts and we rely on our medical care team to guide us in many of the decisions we make. As a caregiver or unseen warrior, you know your loved one best and what their wishes are. It can be an ethical struggle in our minds as we try to do what society thinks is right while wanting to honor the wishes of our loved one.

Q2: What do you need from the chronically ill person you support?

The responses for this question seemed to vary significantly by role. A few said they simply wanted good communication about what their chronically ill loved one wants or needs so they know what they should or shouldn’t do - what will or won’t help. They wanted to know when to encourage and push and when to pull back.

An adult son caring for his aging mother stated he just needs her to know that her needs come first, “For me”, he said, “it’s about giving back. She took care of me for years, now it’s my turn to take care of her.” A young child who supports his mother stated, “I don’t need anything from her - just for her to feel better.”

Others I spoke to acknowledged that they need time, as well as appreciation and acknowledgement of the sacrifices they have made and are making. They need their loved one to be present for them sometimes, to be mindful of them and engage in conversation about something other than how awful they feel. 

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Change is an inevitable part of living with a chronic illness, but it doesn't just affect the person diagnosed. The supporters, partners, parents, siblings, and friends are also navigating a profound transformation, often quietly. While the illness may not live in their bodies, it reshapes their lives all the same. Routines shift, priorities are reordered, and dreams may be put on hold or altered entirely.

It's easy to overlook that they, too, are grieving the life that once was. And even though we understand that we can’t undo the diagnosis, it still takes time to come to terms with the new normal. Just as the person with the illness needs space to process and accept what’s happening, our supporters also need that grace - to feel, to adapt, and to find their footing amid the upheaval. Recognizing their silent journey is not only compassionate, but essential.

For the Chronically Ill: Tips to supporting your unseen warrior

People with a chronic illness often get overwhelmed by their own losses, pain, and daily struggles that, without meaning to, they neglect the very people they love and depend on to keep fighting through each day. Supporting the unseen warrior doesn’t have to be exhausting or elaborate. Even small, thoughtful gestures can speak volumes and help your loved one feel valued. Here are a few low-energy, high-impact ways to support your supporter:

1. Acknowledge their feelings, pain, and problems.

“I know this has been hard on you too. I see how much you’re juggling, and I want you to know your struggles matter just as much as mine.”

2. Avoid comparing your problems to theirs.

Instead of saying, “Well, I’m in pain all day too,” try, “That sounds really stressful. I hate that you have to carry so much on your shoulders lately.”

3. Engage in their daily lives.

Ask, “How did your meeting go today?” or “Tell me about that thing you were working on.” Showing interest in their world brings balance to the relationship.

4. Anticipate their needs.

Notice if they’re tired or stressed and say, “You’ve had a long week. Want to order takeout tonight and just chill?” or “You haven’t had time for yourself lately. Go take a break, I’ll be okay for a bit.”

5. Do little things that make them feel special, seen and recognized.

Send a random text: “I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you.” Or leave them a kind note in an unexpected place. These quiet acts of love can be surprisingly powerful.

6. Listen to what they ARE saying and what they are NOT saying.

If they say, “I’m fine,” but their voice sounds tight or they're quieter than usual, gently ask, “Are you sure? You seem a little off, want to talk or just sit with me?”

7. Communicate clearly what you need and what you don’t need.

Say, “Right now, I just need you to sit with me, not try to fix anything,” or “I’m okay physically, but I could really use a cuddle or a pep talk.”

For the Unseen Warrior: Tips to being seen

Supporters often pour so much of themselves into caregiving that they become invisible—even to the person they’re caring for. Here are some gentle, meaningful tips for the unseen warrior to feel seen by their chronically ill loved one, without guilt or resentment on either side:

1. Share your truth honestly and kindly.

It's okay to speak up about your own struggles. Use "I" statements like, “I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately” or “I miss doing things we used to do together.” Vulnerability invites connection, not conflict. Communicate clearly and respectfully what you need and don’t need.

2. Ask for emotional space, not just tasks.

Sometimes, you don’t need help with chores, you need acknowledgement. Let your loved one know that a “thank you,” a hug, or simply asking how you’re doing means the world.

3. Don’t wait until burnout to speak up.

Check in with yourself regularly and express how you’re doing before you hit empty. You’re allowed to need rest, joy, and validation just like anyone else.

4. Set small rituals of connection.

Create shared moments that aren’t about the illness like watching a favorite show, chatting over tea, or a 5-minute gratitude exchange. These can reaffirm your bond and shift focus from survival to connection.

5. Let them love you back in their way.

Chronic illness can limit how someone expresses love, but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. Let them support you emotionally, even in small ways. Receiving love helps both people feel more balanced.

6. Encourage mutual conversations, not one-sided updates.

Try to keep conversations as two-way as possible. Let them in on your world, even the non-caregiving parts. It reminds both of you that your identity is not just "the supporter."

7. Reclaim your own identity.

Your life matters outside of caregiving. Pursue your passions, see your friends, take breaks and let your loved one see that side of you too. When they do, they can celebrate you beyond the context of illness.

The Balance of Needs

In any relationship whether it be with a friend, family member, or romantic, there has to be a balance of needs for it to function well and for the relationship to thrive and stay healthy. This is challenging even under normal circumstances when there are no major life changes or traumatic events throwing a wrench in the proverbial machinery of a relationship.

It will not always be even, each person giving 50% of their attention and focus to the other. There are times it will shift to 60/40 or swing the other way 30/70. If the relationship remains unbalanced for too long, it can cause tension, arguments, resentment, or sadness. As long as we pay attention to each other and allow the give and take to shift back and forth frequently, love is strong and can carry us through the most difficult times in ways we can’t even imagine.

One woman I interviewed who is both in the role of an unseen hero AND has a chronic illness, had this to say, “What I have learned is that the little things make the biggest difference: carry a bag inside, open a jar of pickles, cook dinner, plan something they don’t have to. Energy is taken for granted and knowing what little or big things they need for support that might make life easier for them, makes me feel like I am helping in some way. We already love them, support them, and are trying to walk with them on the journey. We can’t carry them completely, but we sure can carry something!”

No One Should Have to Feel Unseen

Supporting a chronically ill loved one is a quiet kind of heroism, one often carried out in the background, without praise or recognition. But just as the illness touches every corner of the patient’s life, it also reshapes the lives of those who stand beside them. By taking small steps to see, honor, and care for each other, both as the one who is ill and the one who supports, we begin to bridge the emotional gap that chronic illness can create. In this shared journey, no one should have to feel unseen.

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